The first news

I went to CVS to buy a digital pregnancy test after work. My period had been regular for as long as I remembered until a few months ago when it started to become a few days longer with each cycle. It wasn't a big deal but since we had been trying to get pregnant, it was kinda annoying not to be able to predict your ovulation day accurately. So this month, when I was about 3 days late and still didn't have any PMS symptoms (the usual four musketeers - cramping, bloating, aching and tenderness), I became a bit suspicious but not expecting anything. I tested yesterday morning with one of those cheapy plus minus pregnancy test from CVS and got negative result (but there was a very very faint positive but I concluded it was negative result). So today, still feeling curious, I thought I was going to test with a more expensive digital one. I bought the CVS brand (the cheapest..I thought, if you were pregnant, you were pregnant, right?!). Peed in it after work, saw a blinking sign on the result window and laid it on the bathroom floor waiting for result. Although there was a glimp of hope but I really was not expecting positive result. Not a minute later, I saw the blinking had stopped and there was a result on the window. I picked it up and thought I had read it wrong when it said pregnant. I expected it to say not pregnant since the last times I checked, it kept saying "not pregnant". I flipped the stick, move it around, trying to see if the word "not" was hidden somewhere. I waited for the words to change, maybe it was a false alarm. Nope, it still said "pregnant". Couldn't believe it. Even as I write this blog now, it has not sank in yet. I thought this moment that we have been waiting for would be one of those lightning thunder moment, where I would feel an explosion of emotion, where I would feel relieved, overjoyed, or I would cry. But nope, it's blank inside. I felt empty, cynical and skeptical, and bewildered that I was not overcome with overjoyment. What's wrong with me? Am I not ready with this? Do I not want to get pregnant? 

So after the initial shock, I saved the test result, thinking on how should I tell my hubby. At a restaurant? Surprise him the next day? hmm then I thought of something. I bought him a book called "My Boys Can Swim!" a while ago, about a husband's experience with his wife's pregnancy, very funny. So I quickly grabbed the book with the pregnancy test and put it in a box, wrapped it and wrote a lovely thankful note for the blessing. I waited for him to come home in half an hour, still feeling blank. I honestly didn't have any obvious symtoms except for a little sore on the shoulder, a throbing headache (maybe the hunger) and occassional very mild cramps. I read most women would feel breast tenderness, fatique and other obvious signs. Maybe it's too early for me to feel those or maybe I am blessed by God and He spares me from those. I should feel thankful but I am looking for something tangible to convince me that I AM really pregnant. 

My husband came home and I told him I had a small gift for him as a thank you token for supporting me while I was out of job. I told him today was my first paycheck from the new job so I bought him a little something something. I had a camera ready in hand, hoping to catch his reaction when he opened the box. At first he was really confused. He kept asking "what is this? what is this?" He told me later that he thought it was a nose trimmer (man! so clueless!). Then he peeked into the book cover and still not quite get it. So I told him, look at the stick window, it says I am pregnant! Turned out the result had gone and the window was blank. But my husband was so surprised and he kept saying "are you serious? are you serious?" You can tell how happy he is by his huge grin and wide eyes. I snapped some pictures and loved how his face looked so happy like a little kid. Then we went to dinner at a korean tofu house, met my ex coworker and his gf there, and went home. He read my card and was so exhausted he crashed on the floor sleeping. I told him how I felt empty inside and felt this was just another ordinary day. I kept asking how he felt. He said a flood of mixed emotions, worried, happy, excited, etc. I know he has been waiting for this too. I am very thankful for God, Jesus and Mother Mary for this gift of life. I thank God for the Holy spirit in guiding me and hubby in this journey. I glorify God for His beautiful plan, will and timing. I truly believe this baby is really from God, a special one created by Him, in His image, just for me and hubby.