My first guilt pang

I read when women are pregnant, they would feel a flood a mixed emotions that come and go like roller coaster in an amusement park. One of these amplified emotions is "fear" or "worry". Worrying about the health of the baby, worrying about the financial or job situation, worrying about the future, worrying if we can make a good mother. Out of this fear or worry, comes guilt. I am experiencing my first pang of guilt this week. At my work, I have been hanging out with this coworker who is a smoker. We usually take lunch together at the patio and after finishing her lunch, she would smoke a cigarette or two. I generally didn't like being near smoker and got a sensitive nose for smoke. I also didn't want to be a second hand smoker. But I stayed there near her coz we would chat about our similar job situation and I though it was rude to leave her since we were in the middle of the conversation. For the first two weeks, I hang out there with her, not knowing I had a growing baby inside me. When I found out I was pregnant, I felt horrified and worried but dismissed it with reasonings and excuses. "Oh, I didn't really inhale her smokes..oh, she sat quite far from me..oh, the fetus hasn't really grown that much.." Those were my attempts to calm my self down. I thought, don't make a big deal out of it, it happened anyway. So on the third week, when I still couldn't excuse myself from the lunch table when she started smoking (I told her that I was pregnant too, hoping she wouldn't smoke in front of me), I felt 1000 times more horrible. What's wrong with me?!! How come I feel bad for her but not for my baby, who should be my number one priority?! Is it because I haven't really felt "pregnant" yet? Still in denial? Yet, I can make an effort to avoid coffee and tea altogether. Yeah, I did make an attempt to sit further from her but every night or every time I feel cramps in my stomach, I feel fear and worried that the smoke causes that, and I'd feel guilty afterward. I feel like a bad mother, selfish and irresponsible. I tried to make excuses not to have lunch with her and avoid her altogether but I didn't want to hurt our friendship either. So after thinking it all night, I decided I would still have lunch with her but the minute she starts smoking, I would excuse myself from the table and tell her frankly that the smoke bothers me. I am sure she will understand.  

Sympathy Pregnancy

We hear about sympathy pregnancy, also known as Couvade Syndrome, from time to time and some of us consider it as a myth. It's when husbands start having pregnancy "symptoms" when their wives are pregnant. The result, as the months go closer to the due date, the wives' bellies are not the one ones growing big. When I was little, someone told me that he prayed to God to "redirect" all the pregnancy symptoms to him when his wife was pregnant so she didn't have to suffer the pain. I thought that was cool and that moment, I was dreaming that my future husband would be as thoughtful and loving as him. So anyway, lately my dear husband has been eating more than usual. He usually has a quite healthy eating habit and pretty good willpower in terms of snacking on "junk" food. But, as we both watch in horror every time he finishes up my food in addition to his second serving at the restaurant and I caught him several times secretly eating the chocolate bars in the kitchen, we both began to wonder and joke that maybe he is experiencing the sympathy pregnancy. He keeps saying, what's wrong with me? what's wrong with my body? Poor hubby, He admitted that his body felt different lately. Besides the increase in appetite and his chocolate craving, he also feels tired all the time (although that's not new) and bloated. Me, on the other hand, I am gradually losing my appetite. I don't feel hungry and just don't feel like eating. I have to force myself to eat lately coz otherwise, I would feel a severe headache that last for a day. Anyway, we still don't know if what my hubby experiences is really the Cauvade Syndrome or it's just a coincidence. But I found an interesting article about it. The article shows that a research group did a study on a population of husbands with expecting wives and found that through the bond that they had with their wives, they developed the Couvade Syndrome and experienced the mood swings, cravings, change in appetite, stomach pain, etc. You can read the rest of the article here: http://www.sgul.ac.uk/index.cfm?299419BE-F89C-BD0F-01D3-9249F83BD0FE.  

Move over Trojan, you've got a competitor!

My hubby, Frank, is a huge SC football fan. He even has it as a wallpaper on his computer at home (for the longest time). But today, I turned on his computer and saw he changed the wallpaper to a picture of me holding the pregnancy test that said "pregnant" on it. It was so sweet and I am really touched by his excitement of the baby to come.  

Welcome, my baby; poetry from mommy

Baby, I think I've met you before. In my dream, God introduced you to me. And you played together with me. Then you said to God, "Yes, I want her to be my mommy." And I just know, that I would be your mommy. So you see, baby, you chose me. And I welcome you, welcome, my baby.

The first news

I went to CVS to buy a digital pregnancy test after work. My period had been regular for as long as I remembered until a few months ago when it started to become a few days longer with each cycle. It wasn't a big deal but since we had been trying to get pregnant, it was kinda annoying not to be able to predict your ovulation day accurately. So this month, when I was about 3 days late and still didn't have any PMS symptoms (the usual four musketeers - cramping, bloating, aching and tenderness), I became a bit suspicious but not expecting anything. I tested yesterday morning with one of those cheapy plus minus pregnancy test from CVS and got negative result (but there was a very very faint positive but I concluded it was negative result). So today, still feeling curious, I thought I was going to test with a more expensive digital one. I bought the CVS brand (the cheapest..I thought, if you were pregnant, you were pregnant, right?!). Peed in it after work, saw a blinking sign on the result window and laid it on the bathroom floor waiting for result. Although there was a glimp of hope but I really was not expecting positive result. Not a minute later, I saw the blinking had stopped and there was a result on the window. I picked it up and thought I had read it wrong when it said pregnant. I expected it to say not pregnant since the last times I checked, it kept saying "not pregnant". I flipped the stick, move it around, trying to see if the word "not" was hidden somewhere. I waited for the words to change, maybe it was a false alarm. Nope, it still said "pregnant". Couldn't believe it. Even as I write this blog now, it has not sank in yet. I thought this moment that we have been waiting for would be one of those lightning thunder moment, where I would feel an explosion of emotion, where I would feel relieved, overjoyed, or I would cry. But nope, it's blank inside. I felt empty, cynical and skeptical, and bewildered that I was not overcome with overjoyment. What's wrong with me? Am I not ready with this? Do I not want to get pregnant? 

So after the initial shock, I saved the test result, thinking on how should I tell my hubby. At a restaurant? Surprise him the next day? hmm then I thought of something. I bought him a book called "My Boys Can Swim!" a while ago, about a husband's experience with his wife's pregnancy, very funny. So I quickly grabbed the book with the pregnancy test and put it in a box, wrapped it and wrote a lovely thankful note for the blessing. I waited for him to come home in half an hour, still feeling blank. I honestly didn't have any obvious symtoms except for a little sore on the shoulder, a throbing headache (maybe the hunger) and occassional very mild cramps. I read most women would feel breast tenderness, fatique and other obvious signs. Maybe it's too early for me to feel those or maybe I am blessed by God and He spares me from those. I should feel thankful but I am looking for something tangible to convince me that I AM really pregnant. 

My husband came home and I told him I had a small gift for him as a thank you token for supporting me while I was out of job. I told him today was my first paycheck from the new job so I bought him a little something something. I had a camera ready in hand, hoping to catch his reaction when he opened the box. At first he was really confused. He kept asking "what is this? what is this?" He told me later that he thought it was a nose trimmer (man! so clueless!). Then he peeked into the book cover and still not quite get it. So I told him, look at the stick window, it says I am pregnant! Turned out the result had gone and the window was blank. But my husband was so surprised and he kept saying "are you serious? are you serious?" You can tell how happy he is by his huge grin and wide eyes. I snapped some pictures and loved how his face looked so happy like a little kid. Then we went to dinner at a korean tofu house, met my ex coworker and his gf there, and went home. He read my card and was so exhausted he crashed on the floor sleeping. I told him how I felt empty inside and felt this was just another ordinary day. I kept asking how he felt. He said a flood of mixed emotions, worried, happy, excited, etc. I know he has been waiting for this too. I am very thankful for God, Jesus and Mother Mary for this gift of life. I thank God for the Holy spirit in guiding me and hubby in this journey. I glorify God for His beautiful plan, will and timing. I truly believe this baby is really from God, a special one created by Him, in His image, just for me and hubby.

Frank's first 30 seconds reaction

Frank: "A gift for me? Eh? What is this thing? A nose clipper?"

Melly: "No..that's a pregnancy test..see what it says..I'm pregnant!"

Frank (almost shrieking): "Are you serious?! Hihi..Are you serious?!"

Melly: "Pose for the baby, Frank.."

Frank: "Yeay..my boys can swim! Heh heh.."